Topless Pix Sex Scandal

I am, my Fellow Americans, ABSOLUTELY FURIOUS, at the attempt that has been made to Swiftboat me and my lovely wife Missy over some phony topless pictures scandal. This is a total fabrication by my opponents and I SIMPLY WILL NOT STAND FOR IT! We have decided to let Missy speak for herself. Here is a transcript of her statement to the Scupperton Falls Daily Intelligencer:

Hi y'all! This is Missy S. talkin' atcha! As you know, I have been a Fashion Model for years. Before I met Rusty, I have to say, I did a little bit of naughtiness with a fairly large number of men. But I swear, since the day I met Rusty, I ain't let NO MAN come near any of my lady parts or whatnot. The picture you might a' seen on the Internet is spozed to be me with my boobies hanging out lookin' over at Mitt Romney of all people. Well, I never met the man and by God I sure as shootin' wouldn't let him see my boobies! Rusty was sure somebody used one a' them computer program thingies to put my head on top of some other lady's body. Heck if he weren't right!

It turned out to be some Republican fella who worked for that gay guy Larry Craig. Apparently, Larry got Mitt all liquored up with a couple gallons of that 1% beer from Utah and then, when the poor man was too drunk to do anything about it, took pictures of him and Larry. Then, the three of them used that computer program to put me in to try to smear Rusty. They even tried to make it look like Bible Studier's Digest had something to do with it. As if Rusty's friend John R. Thornton could ever be part of such foolishness as that!!!!

Listen, I ain't sayin' ole' Mitt is a bad-lookin' guy or nothin', but hell, I'm married to Rusty. What woman in her right mind would wanna fool around with Mitt when they got theirselves a Rusty?

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