The Clooney Interview

q. Rusty, many Americans are a bit unfamiliar with your superb record of public service. For instance, over the past consecutive nineteen years, you have been named Best Mayor for Cities with Populations under 10. Tell Americans a bit about that and how it relates to your Presidential bid.

a. Well George, as you know I have been the long time mayor of Scupperton Falls, Pennsylvania and I have delivered exellent constituent service to my residents: they all have free health insurance, we have no crime, our average SAT scores are in the top 1% of America. What I have done in Scupperton Falls, I am quite sure I can replicate for the Nation as a whole. That is why I am running for President. And also to achieve lasting peace in the Mideast, come up with a cure for HIV, fix Global Warming, balance our budget while providing for every citizen’s welfare, and of course my signature issue, make the Bushes pay for their crimes.

q. Most people agree with that last point and are looking forward to your plans to incarcerate the Bush family. Is this a matter of vengeance or is there a larger issue that you are concerned with?

a. George, vengeance is the last thing on my mind. I am really thinking about the future of our country. The Bushes have done so much damage to our Nation, both domestically by literally shoveling money towards their rich friends and away from real working Americans, and also internationally, by engaging us in pointless wars that make the rest of the world hate us. Only by locking them up, can we be sure they won’t use their wealth to seize power again.

q. Name your biggest foreign policy and domestic initiatives.

a. On the foreign policy side, I am planning “Operation, Forgive us world”. I will be going to the U.N. my first week in office and literally getting down on my knees and begging the forgiveness of the the rest of the world. We will tell them that we will pay any price to get back in the world’s good graces. I am prepared to pay an amount equivalent to 30% of GDP (to be obtained by property and securities confiscation from the wealthiest 1% of Americans) in reparations to the rest of the world. On the domestic side, I plan to nationalize health care seconds after I am sworn into office. I have a Racial Reparations Plan that will finally get African Americans at least a bit of what the Nation owes them. I will also sign into law a bill that prohibits Big Pharma from using any ex-cheerleaders from Southern universities as Medical Liason officers with aging male physicians.

q. On a final and somewhat personal note, you have long been known as the “brilliant feeler”. How did you get that nickname?

a. That’s a pretty interesting story. Back in high school I got a rep as being pretty smart. Apparently I tested off the charts for mathematical reasoning. By the way, this reasoning ability of mine will be instrumental in the way I analyze and then solve the world’s problems. But I was never just a thinker, I have always been intensely concerned with other people’s feelings. One time I took a test in Newsweek on empathy, and, believe it or not, I practically scored in the female zone! Well, a bunch of my high school exes (I loved ‘em all to death, but could never stick with just one for too long in those days) formed a sorority they called the Sexy Scuppertonettes. This group was sort of dedicated to making scrapbooks about me and that sort of thing. But it was those girls, women I guess you’d call them today, that started calling me the “brilliant feeler”. I still keep in touch with many of them, and, God bless ‘em, they are supporting my candidacy in every way you can think of.

q. Thanks Rusty, and I look forward to 8 years of peace and prosperity under the Scupperton Administration!

a. Georgie boy, with your help and that of of all good Americans, we can make that dream a reality, starting next November!